jueves, 14 de agosto de 2008

I'll be Okay

Este es un post muy personal, muy mío de mi, pero lo escribo en este espacio por que es mi espacio pero a la vez es público, y al ser público, corro la posible suerte de que alguien que me lea pueda de una u otra forma sentirse identificado.

Es sobre mi peso. Ya lo he escrito acá antes, ya he hablado de esto antes y no sé si entre las múltiples (en realidad solo dos, pero digamos múltiples) entrevistas que me han hecho también he hablado de esto, y es que siempre, siempre, desde que me acuerdo he vivido pendiente de no estar "gorda", ironías de la vida, esa misma preocupación me llevo a subir casi 18 kilos de la forma mas caleta y sin querer queriendo, ya sabes, subes 3, bajas 1, vuelves a subir otros 3 y luego bajas 2, vuelves a subir uno, y otro mas y al final, la cuenta tiene un saldo a favor de las calorías y empieza el circulo vicioso del que para salir, no necesitas ni de pastillas, ni ejercicios ni dietas maravillosas, solo te necesitas a ti.

Hace unos días hablaba con mi galán y le contaba como ya iba varios días con esos 2 miserables kilos post fiestas patrias, y como pasaban los días y como no lo bajaba, que no, que nada de nada y hablando le decía que sé perfectamente que tener 2 kilos mas no es el fin del mundo y que hasta medios lógicos pueden ser porque después de todo es invierno y en invierno uno tiende siempre a comer de mas, pero igual, a mi esos dos miserables me persiguen y me atormentan y sí, me roban la calma. Y entonces vi la luz.

No porque haya estado en pleno apagón, nooooooo, si no que hablando las palabras simplemente salieron tomaron forma y le expliqué que para mi, para Serendipity, el peso es un tema de total y absoluto control. Y es que diganme ustedes que me leen, de cuantas cosas en esta vida podemos tener el total control???? Y ojo que esto es sin pretender ser controladora. Puedo controlar el clima? No. Puedo controlar el tráfico? No. Vamos a cosas mas serias, puedo controlar mi salud? Tampoco, eso está en manos de Dios y solo puedo tratar de cuidarme dentro de lo que pueda cuidarme (valga la redundancia) pero a mi jamas nadie me habló de hidrocefalias ni de brucelosis ni nada de eso. Puedo controlar mi trabajo (en las épocas que trabajaba para alguien)? Tampoco, puedo hacer y dar lo mejor de mi, pero si el día de mañana me quieren dar una patada en el poto pues me la darán. Ahora que trabajo de forma independiente, controlar las cosas es aún mas difícil! Puedo y trato de seguir dando lo mejor de mi y hacer las cosas lo mejor posible, pero al final de cada día siempre rezo y espero a que me salgan nuevos proyectos que, gracias a Dios no me dejan de aparecer, pero mas allá de eso, nop.

Puedo ir a la peluquería y pedir un tono de pelo, pero siempre me corro el riesgo de salir de ahí con un color totalmente diferente al que pedí, puedo querer dejarme crecer las uñas pero una se me puede romper, puedo ahorrar para esos zapatos nuevos y hermosos pero me corro el riesgo de llegar ese día con mi millón en la mano y que la amable señorita que atiende me diga que ya los vendieron todos.

Y no quiero con esto ser mal interpretada. No soy ninguna control freak, es mas, si algo disfruto en esta vida es el hecho de vivir y disfrutar el día a día de la mejor manera posible pero estando siempre a la expectativa de que irá a pasar mañana. Una combinación muy difícil de balancear pero que lo hago con mucha gracia y encanto, vivo el presente y espero lo mejor del mañana, tratando de no arrepentirme del pasado.

Entonces mi cerebro funciona extrañamente y comprende el pobre que, ante tanta incertidumbre mamacita linda (sí, me cerebro me trata de mamacita linda), lo único que me queda por controlar en esta vida es mi peso y sentir y saber que todo está bien, que todo está bajo control es lo que me da esa tranquilidad de saber que mientras eso esté bien, el resto también lo estará.

Y si por el contrario empiezo a perder los papeles en ese sentido y literalmente empiezo a engordar, vuelvo a ese circulo vicioso del que tanto me costó salir, donde si no me veo bien pues no me siento bien, si no me siento bien entonces mejor no salgo a ningún sitio y si no salgo a ningún sitio mejor me quedo en mi casa y si me quedo en mi casa pues mejor como. Y eso es de nunca acabar.

Yo me quité las terapias y los psiquiatras y los tratamientos y las depresiones y construí mi autoestima en base al autocontrol y a todo el amor que recibo de la gente que me quiere, pero no puedo negar que aún así mi autoestima puede a veces llegar a ser muy pero muy frágil creo que como la de cualquiera, con puntos débiles y fuertes pero mía al fin de cuentas y la cuido mucho, como a un tesoro, como un tesoro que me costó tanto trabajo encontrar y que ahora que la tengo no la pienso abandonar. I'll be okay, solo decía.

66 comentarios:

Adriana dijo...

Mi peso es algo que yo no controlo, siempre es el mismo asi haga la dieta que haga! pero ay de mi si como un arroz o una papa... uff va directo al rollito y no baja nunca
Siempre me pregunto como bajaste esos kilos de mas
Besos

El Chepis dijo...

Chochera, todos saben acá que tú bajas de peso porque yo me como tu comida!

:P

Mentira, te amo. Me enorgulleces.

dmoOn dijo...

Siempre hay una rama de la que debemos agarrarnos y me parece lo máximo que tu sepas de cúal te estás agarrando.

lali dijo...

Serendipity leyendo un post tuyo pasado, en el que te preguntabas que era SPORT ELEGANTE, llegue a la conclusion de que es un equipo de futbol, y mas nada!!!

besos
Lau

Patricia dijo...

Por supuesto que vas a estar ok!
Para mi la unica solucion es ir al gimnasio. La verdad es que en varios estudios se ha dicho que la dieta es mas efectiva que el gym (buh! pero tienen razon, yo en la maquina de correr quemo 200 Cal! lo mismo que un chocolatito!!!) pero me ayuda mucho psicologicamente asi no baje tanto. Lo malo es cuando tengo muchas cosas que hacer, entonces ya no puedo ir al gym o a correr, se me acumula el stress (y el cortisol deriva toda la grasa a mi panza)...y siento que mi mundo se pone de cabeza...horrible.

Anónimo dijo...

Linda historia, muy honesta. Me hizo recordar a mi hermosa hija que no podia controlar su peso y sufrio mucho en su adolescencia y hoy, de 21 y hermosa (como voce!), mantiene una lucha diaria en su batalla por sentirse y lucir 'bien'. No es facil, al menos en su caso, no lo fue. Mis saludos y respetos, Seren!

Unknown dijo...

yo creo que lo del peso es para sentirse bien con uno mismo...hay gorditas...que no les importa estar gorditas y lo llevan por la vida viendose regias...como ANTP donde la ultima ganadora no es una flaca, flaca, flaca...asi que como casi todo en esta vida...creo que la situacion del peso tambien es relativa...

PasajeraEnTransito dijo...

yo me identifico con lo del peso, es mi obsesion o lo era. Ya has leido de mis epocas de bulimica. hoy por hoy no me preocupo y despues del embarazo he perdido todo el peso que subi, volver a pesar 40 kilos ya no creo aunq me encanta la flacura, unos saludables 45 me gustarian as ique tendre que aumentar mis sesiones de lactancia q dicen que quemas 500 calorias con cada.
Ten un bambino!!!

iux!!! dijo...

trankila estamos contigo!!!
confieso k hoy hice algo malo prebulimia se llamara? nooooo

iux!!! dijo...

trankila estamos contigo!!!
confieso k hoy hice algo malo prebulimia se llamara? nooooo

AntonellaB. dijo...

hey seren, te entiendo. Yo he subido hace unos meses 3 kilos. Todo el mundo dice que no se nota pero lo que importa es q lo noto yo y que siento que hasta ahora no puedo bajarlos, por más que haga y me organice y lo desee con fuerzas. Y siento que esos kilos ganados reflejan ciertos descuidos en mis habitos alimenticios por lo que tengo un poco de culpa. Solo nos queda seguir logrando todo lo que nos proponemos y que nuestro peso entre en la lista de nuestros logros.
Un abrazo

Cys dijo...

Yo era una control freak total de mi peso. Ahora, me gustaría tener la misma fuerza de voluntad de antes.

MuSa AnTiSoCiaL dijo...

pos hace tiempo ke no me peso ..la verdad kiero evitarme el trauma

peregrino dijo...

Vane para muchos el peso es un tema, no se si para mi es un tema de control o no, pero que me cuesta me cuesta, lucho pero la mayoría de las veces soy derrotado..... en fin ahí sigo.

Nos leemos.

Peregrino

Unknown dijo...

Asi es!
yo leí en el libro LOS CUATRO ACUERDOS y en una de sus paginas dice que cuando nosotros encontramos a personas que nos maltrata, nos alejamos verdad? pero que pasa cuando ese enemigo eres tu mismo.

Lo bueno es saber que puedes tener el control de las cosas que te propones y sé que lo lograras xq eres humana como todos que a veces nos alocamos y tenemos excesos pero el resto depende de nosotros

Fuerza girl! yo tambien ando en esas andadas!

Dos bsos

chica diez dijo...

acabo de volver de viaje y lei esto, que me cayo perfecto para unos pensamientos feos que tuve hoy. te mando un abrazo fuertote y thanks for sharing!

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